A Life in Progress
SINESIPO LUBELWANA
Originally Published: 10 October 2026
I Am My Mother’s Daughter
When I think about who I am now and who I want to be, I struggle to find the words to articulate that. I am not a person who often reflects or looks behind me, but this project has allowed me to do that. And in looking back, I realised that my greatest inspiration for who I want to become is my mother.
She has inspired me through her gratitude, her kindness and her generosity. When my father passed away and life changed, she marched onwards and forwards and made sure to create a big world for me.
I hope that one day I can emulate that energy. I hope to become a person who carries the ability to remain herself through every situation, life change and circumstance. I hope to remain kind, generous and gracious with myself and the people around me. I want ten years from now to be known as my mother’s daughter.
Exhale: I Am Curious About Who I Can Become
Once I became unemployed again, my life seemed to divide itself into two parts: before and after unemployment. It honestly felt like I just stopped breathing and like I was just holding my breath again. Growing up, I was always future-focused and had a really strong idea of not only how I wanted my life to look, but how I wanted it to feel. But every step over the past five years has felt extremely demoralising, and I have slowly lost a little bit of my identity. It has been difficult to identify and connect with who I am currently and who I want to become. I am stuck in this transitional stage where I am trying to outgrow who I have been while finding who I am supposed to be.
When I started working in the creative industry, I started as a freelancer, and it was hard. I am not the type of person who is able to market or endear themselves to people. My focus has always been on doing the work and giving my best. However, being in the industry sometimes made me feel like success had very little to do with how good you were at what you did. It seemed to come down to likeability, the relationships you had, and how well you could put yourself out there. I have always struggled with the idea of making myself liked and with putting myself forward, and this made me question whether this was really the dream I wanted to pursue. This made me question my dream.
I spent so much time wondering whether I was good enough, or whether I had made the right decision, because I have struggled with this path that I have chosen. I even considered going back to school and studying something else. I want to get along with the people I work with, and I want a healthy environment but I am not sure if I am capable of becoming the person that this industry needs me to be. At the same time, I feel overwhelmed by the thought of starting again when so much time, money and effort has already gone into getting this degree.
Continual seasons of unemployment have really shaken my sense of identity and self. And my sense of self is shaken repeatedly and consistently. And when I am unemployed, which is often, I then make the decision to leave the industry and start again. Then I unexpectedly get work again and I am good again. But recently when that happens it just fills me with a greater sense of anxiety. And this happens over and over again. I have been in this wheel for more than five years. It feels like my dream doesn’t want me. Currently, I am somewhere in the middle of something. I don't really know what that something is, but I am in a place where I am not defeated by this cycle but curious. I am curious about who I can become and what I can be. If I can remove my sense of identity from this thing I call the film industry.
I have not really figured out what I want to do or who I want to be. But this season of unemployment has definitely reshaped my mind, the way that I think and the way in which I see the world has changed. I have come to realise that I want bigger than what I have right now. I want more and I want to enjoy films again, I want to enjoy reading again, I want to have fun and be creative again and I want to exhale. It has been so long since I took a breath.
I don't want to lie and say that I know what this bigger thing is or pretend that I know how I will get there. All I really know right now is that this season has really rocked the perception that I had of myself. And all I can do now, going forward, is sit, buckle down, and trust in the process of doing, rather than continually focusing on what the ending will be or what I think it should be. The greatest desire I have right now, in this journey of becoming, is to be a person who keeps the promises she makes to herself. A person who grows, who retains her curiosity, and, most importantly, who breathes.
I really just want to exhale. I have been holding my breath for five years.
The Artist's I Return To
SINESIPO LUBELWANA
Sinesipo Lubelwana, Lead Projects Officer at NUMXN, is a naturally curious and creative professional with a background in storytelling and coordination. Born in Mthatha in the Eastern Cape, she spent her early years moving between Bhisho, Cape Town, and East London, where she eventually matriculated. She holds an Honours degree in Motion Picture Medium, specialising in Film Producing from AFDA. Her experience in the film and television industry has deepened her appreciation for producing and the process of bringing ideas to life from concept to screen, while strengthening her ability to collaborate, pay attention to detail, and ensure projects run seamlessly. She values genuine connection and strives to bring warmth, empathy, and positive energy into every space, driven by a desire to create work that resonates and makes a meaningful impact.